Now I want to write about how one deals with his or her internal life after an unsuccessful call. If there was a blessing in what happened in my case, it was having some time out of the pulpit and church office, so I could try to process what happened, how I felt and what it all meant.
I think it is inevitable that a pastor in that situation would be dealing with a lot of different feelings: anger, resentment, self-reproach, relief, fear and hope. I am sure there are others. I know I was relieved to be gone from the church I had served because of the emotional toll of the last few months. But I was also angry at a number of people in the church for what I saw as their failures as Christian disciples. I also was angry at myself for what I saw as my failures as a Christian leader. I looked forward with some hope to a new start. But I also feared that in the ugly job climate (high general unemployment and over four candidates for each open pastoral vacancy in the PC(USA)), a pastor with my record would perhaps never receive a call, or at least not one in which I could support my family.
And there was the awful possibility lurking in my mind that I should not be a pastor, obviously I am not cut out for it. Leaving a call on bad terms should prompt some self-reflection.
Taking time in prayer helps. So does talking with trusted friends and colleagues. Talking professionally with someone can help as well. The key is to discern whether you still feel God's call on your life to be a pastor. Over time, I was able to affirm that in my heart. I guess it is because I continue to care about many of the people I've ministered to, I because God has not released me from the call to preach the Gospel. I will confess I have sometimes wished God had called me to do something else, like being a park ranger or something!
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